Ive been doing a lot of digging when it comes to my belongings. Sometimes I like to go through things and get a scan of what I want to keep or throw out when the spring time comes. It gives me a good idea of how much I am willing to give away vs keep. It helps me to refresh myself and to start over. It makes my life simpler. But of course there are also things that I keep that I know I will never throw away.
In my room I have two designated areas where I keep those belongings. One is in a dresser that has a lock and key. The items in there are priceless and are things that I got from my family. Memorabilia that I can never replace. The other items are in a trunk in my bed and those items are things that need to be kept safe so that they don’t get damaged but are easier to access and to look at.
December in general is a rough month for me and every time it rolls around I go through my items and have a few moments where I go down memory lanes. Usually it’s with a couple drinks in me but, hey it makes more interesting when I am buzzed.
This year though I made a decision that I am very sure I am ready for. For years I have kept letters in my trunk and those letters are all hand written by me. Why? Well I have two stacks. One is letters to my ex-boyfriend and my first love. He did quite a bit to me and honestly I kept them because I thought maybe one day I could use it against him. I thought that if he saw all the feelings and the heart ache I felt that I would feel like it was more justified and that he would turn into somebody different. Obviously that is not how it works but at the time I thought it did.
The other stack is letters to my ex-girlfriend/ex best friend. Now her story is more scarring and has put me through more pain than anybody would ever want in their life. To her its not a big deal and she doesn’t remember most of it but for me, i remember every detail, every feeling, every sensation of anger, sadness, and fear. For her letters I wrote down what I was thinking, feeling, and going through. I wrote about my life, my decisions, I wrote about her, her smile, her laugh, missing her, anything that came to me I wrote it down till my hands were numb, till the tears never came, and the emotions were more manageable.
Both of these people really left their marks on me as a person and each time December comes around I end up crying and being in self-pity because of this. The emotions are so raw and difficult to manage. This year though, I didn’t feel anything towards it except nostalgia and I came to a conclusion.
I’m moving on.
Do I wish that it was sooner? Yes I do. Yet I also know that everyone goes through their own ways of handling things and for some it seems weird that I would go through all of this. That I would keep writing and never send these letters to either of them but here’s the thing. It was a way for me to vent and to get all the pent up emotion gone. For me that was what mattered and of course the new year is coming up.
So to commemorate the fact that I am now moving in a direction where I am finally getting the life I desire and doing the job I love...well I’m going to burn them. I feel like it’s finally time to burn away the words and say goodbye to the feelings I felt. To start fresh to and get another weight off my shoulders. To grow up and start letting people in again.
I finally feel like the numb person I have been is finally gone and I am able to be true to who I am.
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