Family can be very hard to deal with. My family in particular is pretty small. I have my Grandmother, Grandpa (deceased), two cousins (ones deceased), Father, Aunt, and Kim (the one who is my biological mother) and that's really all I have. Technically all I am related to is my father and Kim. See both my father and my aunt are adopted and neither know who their actual parents are so ties to my blood family is non existent. It makes naming my family pretty easy since I don't have to use two hands to count them off. Over the years my ties to those who are "my family" has become an invisible thread. We both know that we exist but, relations and ties are not there. Maybe once in a blue moon you will say something to them and they do the usual "it's so nice to hear from you, how are you?" and then you continue conversation for a few weeks or so and then you go about your life and think of them every once in awhile but you don't really reach out.

Just to give you some background on my family let's start with my aunt. My aunt has this crazy idea in her head that she is like the queen of England. She can do whatever she wants and get away with pretty much anything. The trick to this? She uses my grandmother. My Grandmother is a very forgiving women who believes in the Lord and every time something happens that can cause issues she says " I forgive them, I don't think it was intentional" and I have heard this saying almost my entire life. Every time we go to see her, some kind of drama happens with my Aunt and my Grandmother jumps in and defends her. So what does my aunt do? She uses it to her advantage to get away with her addictions. My aunt has never raised a finger to do any kind of work. She even got my Grandmother to move out of the Master Bedroom and into a guest bedroom She now hoards herself up in the room and smokes/ drinks her life away. Any time she can get money from my grandmother she does it to the fullest extent. You give her a credit card to go buy groceries, she takes $100 cash back while shes at it and pockets it for herself. You ask her to go get gas and fill the car, cash back. Any situation where my aunt can get money, is almost always 100% undeniable that she is quite literally robbing you. The worst part is that she also has a boyfriend that she has living UNDER THE SAME ROOF and never pays a dime. He is the one always running an errand so that my Aunt doesn't have to step out of her hoarding room and see the sun.

Then there's Kim. My biological mother never really existed in my life. When I was young she did some terrible things to my family and my parents ended up divorced. My father got custody and we moved to Florida. The entire time she had an address and a number that she could use to call whenever she felt like it. She could have come visit or let me know she existed at all. All throughout my elementary school years I waited and waited for something to come to me from her. Anytime the name Kim popped up I got a little glimmer of hope. Maybe this year she would reach out. Maybe I can finally have a connection. Instead it just so happened to be coincidence. By Middle School I had move onward and forgotten about her. High School I got asked a lot about her and I told the basics to my friends but never went into detail. After all I just didn't care to know her. That childhood fantasy was gone and the more I knew about what she did or who she was, the less I wanted to connect. It became an acceptance to not know her and being ok with that. Sure she's my biological mother but when you just don't care to know about them or what happened all those years without hearing from them, it just doesn't cross your mind and goes in the tiniest of boxes you can find and collects dust.

Family is non existent to my mind. It's not something that I really think about positively. It seems that it follows around like a dark shadow. You know it's there, lurking but, it's always there so you get used to it being around. It's almost like a wall.

So now every year when we go to visit I make sure to pay attention to the moment. Sure, were around people who drive us crazy and we never want to deal with them but really who we don't want to deal with is my aunt. Were there for my grandmother. To make her smile and happy to see us. It makes her day to have us there to catch up with and talk to. I'm sure anybody would go crazy when they live with someone who never really does anything except eat, breathe, smoke, drink, and sleep. They have no experiences so stories are short and communication is poor. Just to be able to connect with somebody who isn't a pile of flesh and bone would make anybody happy.  

Family can be wonderful and endearing but it is also can be a burden in ways. You love them and you want to be with them but their drama and never ending cycle of it can wear anybody down. Sure family is important but sometimes it just isn't worth it.