December is a hard month for me. I have a lot of demons that rise up to the occasion and for me it becomes a struggle to deal with them. So feeling like my life was finally starting to make a turn around I decided that this year I was going to purge some of my old feelings and my past demons.
While I was on my way to the post office I got this feeling of nostalgia. I wanted to stop by one of my friends (were going to call her Snickers) houses. Why? Well my friend was one of the demons I felt like I needed to face. See this family helped raise me for three years and Snickers was one of my best friends from Middle school to about ninth grade. She and I had a very weird friendship and I honestly really miss her. I miss her puns, her wit, her random ability to remember serial killers and what they were famous for, everything. Really I did a lot to her growing up and I don’t know how many times I have apologized to her but I can say that that it has been way to often.
This time though I felt like I needed to see her and sit with her. To see her and tell her the real thoughts I have.
So I get to the house, knock on the door and of course momma opens the door. She lets me in, smiles, and we start chatting about everything. She tells me about the house, the kids, the media, her trips, and just a general synopsis of things that have happened. WE chat for a few hours and then the door opens. We both look at each other and smile.
Rounding the corner Snickers comes in with a mission on her mind but, she stops and stares. It takes about ten seconds before she smiles and says hello. She drops off her bag and hugs me.
For a few minutes there is more conversation, I say hi to the fur babies and then Snickers sits at the table getting ready to write a paper. Her mom takes her leave and I sit across from her and I start trying to make conversation. I’ve gotten better with interacting with strangers but it seems that old friends are still a mystery to me. So with me trying not to distract her I take my time and we have long pauses in-between our sentences. Really it took me forever to say anything and to get to my point. I wanted to get this out and I knew that I was on the clock.
Finally the conversation comes around and I manage to tell her how sorry I am. I put a lot on her in high school and for the most part I felt like we never got a chance to talk about it. I never got to hear anything she had to say about it and I wanted to finally break this and make a clean slate. She listened and we chatted about that for a bit. I think overall it went pretty well...well I mean besides the little bit of tears that ended up resurfacing. I even got a chance to tell her that I was proud of her. She was taken aback by that and of course I told her what I meant. I told her that when we were friends I never thought we would end up where we were and I knew that we both were going through a lot in school. Just seeing her physically and to see how much she is working....well I felt proud. I wanted her to know that even if were not friends anymore that she was still on my mind and that just knowing that she is doing something to help her grow and come out of her shell....well that was worth everything to me and I needed to tell her.
Afterwards I told her that I would really like to rebuild our old friendship and to try adn make things right. I really want a friend and someone who I can talk to...really I wanted a girlfriend to talk.
Luckily she said that she would think about what I said and when I left I felt like there was another weight that was lifted off my shoulders. I felt very alive and like I had gotten something done.
Thats just one of my demons that I needed to work on. Sometimes handling your demons can make things better for you. After all your happiness is what matters overall, not everyone else’s.
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