I'm probably gonna get a lot of comments on this but I feel like its some thing that I need to get out there and talk about a little bit. Recently I went to a friend's house and I was in this conversation. Really it bounced everywhere and I happened to listen close enough but not give an opinion on it. These two friends we're talking about teen vogue and the recent article about anal sex. It through everyone for a loop and I knew a bit but I didn't read too much about it. Most things don't catch my attention and I don't think they are important to drag on in my social life. We're in a generation where gay marriage is legal and I feel like sex education is never wrong, especially for teens. So I took one glance at it and read a few comments but never looked back on it. So as the conversation kept going it got to another touchy subject that has now died down. 13 reasons why. 

Oh yes you read all the correctly.

I recently found out that my old high school has a new record of nine suicides in one semester alone. To me that seems like odd news considering I never saw anything about suicides recently. If anything I knew that there had been a lot of incidents involving some of my old classmates but not suicides. So of course this lady starts saying something like "well and then 13 reasons why making up all these excuses..."

Whoa whoa whoa, stop. Excuses?  It seemed so unreal and as a twenty year old who just graduated from high school a few years ago, went through bullying, and has known friends who have considered suicide and have depression I can say that suicide is not an excuse and the show has nothing to do with it. If anything it goes deeper then that. Now I don't now what else she thinks about this subject and we didn't get very far due to being surrounded by children so I have no idea where it was going but, I didn't think it was bad for her to say because I can see where people come from when they see the show and how it effects people but, her saying that did trigger all these other people who had said something similar and that is what drives me to put this out there and in general how people make me feel about this saying.

It drives me crazy that there are people who think that suicide is an excuse to get away from your problems and that it was a decision for them to go so far as to do something so hard and difficult to control. Suicide is in no way an excuse and is very real. The high schools are getting worse with bullying And people are so cruel when they are at that stage in their life. 

To me the show is a barrier that needed to be breached and it's a show that is giving the world perspective on what it CAN be like to be suicidal and what circumstances lead to her committing suicide. It's real and it's it's scary and I think that anyone who says that it's an excuse doesn't know what it's like to feel that pain and to be on that ledge. It's so hard to pull away and it's difficult to understand. If you're have never thought about taking your life then obviously you wont know how to react but that doesn't mean your have to label it as an excuse. 

Be aware of those around you and take into consideration to what you say you can have an opinion and I respect that she has an opinion but I do not respect her idea of it. Just be aware of what's happening and try to understand where others come from because not everything is rainbows and unicorns. 

I’m not a religious person. I never really have been. I think it’s just the idea about the bible and god and everything. For me it seemed to boring for me to bear and every time my family went to church I ended up falling asleep a lot. I honestly wasn’t sure what the big deal was about this whole big dude that was up in the sky. To me heaven sounded so strange and foreign that I eventually just became uninterested in the idea of it. It didn’t take long for my father to decided that if I wanted to go to church then I would go to church but, he knew I was bored with it. I honestly just wanted to fall asleep and a lot of the time I would ask when the whole mass was over. I don’t know how many times he got annoyed with the questions. I just wanted to go home and I hated waking up in the morning. Honestly I still do hate waking up in the morning. It’s one of those things I still haven’t really gotten used to. 

For me religion never spoke to me in the way that my friends and their parents seemed to talk about. I never heard gods voice, I never saw something unrighteous about what I did, I never thought prayer did anything. I tried to pray at night before I went to bed and I thought that it was overdramatic if anything. After a while I let it go and decided that this whole god business wasn’t for me. Sure others can believe in what they want to believe, I don’t think it’s wrong to believe in a man in the sky who will one day come back to Earth and then decide what to do with us as a whole species, I really don’t. I think people do look for things to explain the questions they have and I think God was part of that. We didn’t know where we came from so we decided to associate it with a God. I honestly don’t believe half of the things that I read about or see in most TV shows. 

There are times when I do believe miracles are really and I do believe in miracles. That’s one thing that I never stopped believing. Anything in the universe can happen and sometimes we get unexplainable things. In my opinion it’s good for us. It keeps us guessing on our origins or on extraterrestrial life. I just think all the questions we want answered are more complicated then it seems and we just aren’t ready as a species to find out the truth to those questions. We don’t have the mental capacity to take the information and so our generations of our species is getting smarter and smarter to try and answer those questions. Every day we are making new breakthroughs in science but I do feel like we are grasping straws sometimes. Religion is a practice that I admire in some people. I think it’s important for people to believe what they want to believe in. That’s how we stay alive. It’s in what we practice and in what is handed down to us. 

If you believe there is a god or something out there then it’s all good but be aware that religion is not for everybody and everyone thinks differently. I know I believe differently than my neighbors and yet we still coexist and enjoy each other’s company. Let’s not be divided over what we practice, we are all human and there is nothing wrong in believing in something. 

After we had left Helen Georgia we went up to say hello to my grandmother. We arrived at the house and as soon as I entered I had o stop and turn back around. It reeked of cigarette smoke and it was so bad that I thought I was going to die from inhaling it. Focusing on the cat that was sitting by the screen door I decided to pet her and give her some lovin. She wanted outside but the family wasn’t comfortable with her being out in the world. So with sadness I had to prevent her from doing what she wanted. I had two cats and I understand this reasoning. I just felt bad about who this beautiful cat was living with. 

Listening to the racket behind me I managed to avoid seeing my aunt. I really didn’t want to get involved with her drama and start something in my grandmother’s house. That wasn’t ok to do and I knew we were only seeing her for a few hours. I just had to hold it together for a couple od minutes so that I can make my wonderful grandmother happy. Once we got grandma in the car Dad asked her about where she liked to eat and from there we narrowed it down to a nice little restraint about ten minutes away. It was cute and had an outdoor section. We decided to sit outside since it was about 70 degrees outside. We picked our spots and Grandma orders a orange spiked drink. Dad gets roped into having one with grandma as well. 

We settle down and set to talking about what was happening with us all.  Grandma gave us the down low on what’s going on with everybody in the family. We tell her about our travels and what is happening with the weather back home.. I tell her about my new job and we talk about companies and working under somebody else’s thumb. Grandma was very interested and seemed happy to have us there with her. The waiter was also very amazing and so kind. H helped us keep her comfortable and assisted with making eating easier for her since she was on the slower side. My grandma is also short so she needs to have her food on a plate that she can move easily towards her. Much of the visit was fun and I felt at home being with her. I talked to her about dad and what was going on. We chatted about life and books. Mostly we just smiled and enjoyed each other’s company. It was nice to see her and to hear that everything was going ok.

Sometimes seeing family is refreshing. 

I write poems and stories as well. I want to share some with you every now and then. This was one of my spur of the moment poems and I honestly wansn't sure where I was gong with it. It makes it mysterious in a way that I love in all good writings and I think this is open to the imagination. What do you think?

And She Falls

She's tired of thinking till the sun comes up, her body aches when she’s awake, yet she tries, tries, and tries, the addiction to lose still strong, She walks with a little fire in her eyes, trying, trying, trying to understand where she turned wrong, oh but how her body aches, It hurts, moving hurts, thinking hurts, staying still hurts, 

Slowly that walk moves into a fast pace walk, then a slow jog, then a sprint, to a full blown run, the world is a blur, a blur that goes by so fast she won’t remember it when she finally lays down to sleep, 

She runs until her lungs are hurting her chest, her heart pounding, her eyes blurring, her head throbbing, 

She runs until it gets dark, too dark to see anything but the stars,

Slowing down she feels her body filling with pain, exhaustion, and a numbness, there she stands blinking and staring ahead of her, hoping, waiting for something, her body shakes as she stares, recovers, and thinks, 

Finally looking around she sees the water ahead of her, the sun rising, the ocean still, she stares and finally sees it, sees the answer, the answer is there, the answer is just a leap away, So she walks, walks to the waters edge, 

and she falls.

So for a long time I’ve been writing stories. On paper, on my computer, in my head, journals, every little story I can think of, i write it in some way. When I was in High School we used to have this club called Creative Writing Club. It had maybe ten to fifteen people in it all together and we would spend an hour going around and sharing stories if you felt like it. Each time we met I always had something new and interesting and each time I was able to entertain others. I usually thought of odd ways to share my thoughts and I remember one story in particular. It was about a boy I met in high School. He always loved adrenaline and he used to do flips and MMA fighting a lot. He thought he was invincible and was always showing off in some way. Whenever I would think of him I would associate his behavior with someone who was hurting and was in a bad situation at home. For some reason the two connected and I wrote a story about it. It’s been years since I have read this story and years since I have shared it with anybody but I thought that I would share this story with you and let you guys read it. Its old fashioned and it hasn’t been edited but, I do think that it says a lot about what I was thinking back then and this blog isn’t just about my life stories and Travels, it’s also about my thoughts and what I am feeling. I’ve been thinking about this story a lot so here it goes, this stories title is really simple, it’s called Falling. I hope you enjoy. 

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                                              Falling

Falling was my first thought. Why fall when you can fly? was my second thought. Yet I couldn't seem to move out of the first thought....falling... Never have I thought about something like falling before. Sure maybe when you're in action or when you're at a high place and you're a little scared because you’re at the top of something that was at a height you had never explored before but from the ground? Naw, I have never thought of falling from the ground.

As I walked down the streets of New York, hands in pockets and with my hood up to cover my face I thought about the sensation of falling, what it would be like to do a backflip off the top of a building and to simply feel the rush of the sensation through your body. I smirked a little. It was crazy and completely out of my proportion. I mean, who would be crazy enough to fall off of a building in New York city?

Well ok some people are crazy enough but I mean to just have a feeling of adrenaline?

“Psh, who does that kind of **** these days” I whispered as I turned a street corner not really thinking about where I was going.

Simply stated, I wanted to have the feeling of falling. Thinking about it then made me realize that maybe for a long time, deep, deep down that I always wanted to have more of that feeling when I did back flips off of dangerous heights. I mean two stories weren't enough anymore, let alone three. I was starting to get itchy from the thought of doing a backflip off of a higher place.

“You wouldn't live” I whispered to myself as I entered a building clearly arguing with myself as I went up the stairs the numbers going through my head. This building was 1,250 feet up.....and that was not including the extension on top.

“You’re crazy, why do this when you know you wouldn't survive?” I asked myself looking up as my legs wouldn't stop carrying me up the flights of stairs. I don’t know why I didn't just take the elevator, I mean it would have saved so much time then again maybe it was to get my blood pumping and to take a few moments to talk myself out of it.....if I could. I kept going up.

“You have family” I said to myself. That didn't seem to stop my legs from climbing higher.

“You have a girlfriend” I said with a slight twinge of pain from thinking about how much she would cry when she found out.. and I thought I had talked myself out of it with just that thought. Of thinking of her beautiful face shattered from hearing about how her boyfriend had been delusional and had jumped off the Empire State Building just cause he could. I could imagine her seeing the TV and sinking to her knees speechless from the information. For a moment I thought my feet were slowing to a stop...

letting out a shaky breath they started up again and I kept going up. Apparently it wasn't enough to stop myself from actually doing it. Would you call that selfish? For wanting to feel adrenaline course through your veins at any cost? well...i guess that would be a stupid question because it does sound pretty selfish when you think about it.

Finally reaching the top my feet stopped. Time slowed and I smiled. I was crazy and I couldn't help it. Walking slowly to the edge I thought about all the things I had done and how this was it. The last flip I would ever do, the last thing I would see, and the last moment to get in touch with my heart and just accept everything. getting to the edge I looked down. Tiny cars and people were going about their day not expecting anything. Not a single thing.

Turning around with my back to the other building and my eyes facing the open door that would lead to me living and seeing all I have ever known again I simply shut it out. I closed my eyes, smiled, and simply...jumped.... Spreading my arms like I was a bird I slowly turned in the air and started to sail down the side of the building going in a slow circle. It was amazing, it was so amazing. It was like opening a Christmas present you have always wanted but, better. I laughed as I feel. It was so quiet, so peaceful and beautiful.

Opening my eyes and having them instantly watering I thought of my second thought. Why fall when you can fly? and suddenly like being pulled back by a bungee cord I sailed up. Startled I looked up and saw something feather like. Moving to touch them they flapped and it hit me. Those were wings. My second thought had brought me to being able to fly. Smiling like an idiot on Halloween I instinctively took off and started to fly fast and quick. This was the dream, this was amazing, this was something that I never would have expected...for that matter nobody would have expected.

It was bright, beautiful, amazing and a whole new world.