I would like to say that I am officially done with death. I mean I have been for a while now and I really have been trying hard to keep it together but now it is over the line. I can say that 2018 has been a year that I would like to move past and never look back on. So many people and animals have passed in such a short time that I am not sure what to do anymore. If anything I am weary of who will be next and so unsure of how to handle it all. I want to say that things will be fine but how will I really know? The truth is, I don’t. I don’t know and I might never now if things will be fine.
Right now I am tired. Emotionally tired. Physically tired. All around I would like to sleep for a very long time and just forget everybody and everything. I have people left and right who are giving me their condolences and who are telling me how sorry they am and I do accept them and thank them for that but at the same time its making me feel weighed down to hear it all.
I’m not sure if the God of Death is trying to say something to us or if it’s just that time of the year but I can say that I want him gone and I want him to be gone for a while. Death has taken enough lives and I would like to not be involved in another one for quite some time.
My birthday vacation is around the corner and I couldn’t be more excited. Please oh please don’t let there be any more death.
Only one can hope that he stays away.
In five days I will be turning twenty two. It’s weird to think that another year has gone by and that it went by so quickly. The times really do fly by and I really am surprised by where I am currently. Of course the past six months have been very tiring and I am in much need of a vacation but that is also just around the corner. For me I think its the idea that I am, once again, becoming a year older. It’s a concept that I still haven't exactly excepted and I really do try to wrap my head around the idea.
Another year of growing older. Another year of learning, adapting, and growing. Another year or craziness, happiness, and laughter. Another year of sadness, acceptance, and mourning.
It all really comes together and each year I learn something new about myself. Twenty two will be no exception as I embark on a journey to New Zealand a few days after my birthday. Really it is quite a trying time but I am ready for it and I know that when I go on this journey to New Zealand I will be inspired, excited, and ready to take some time away from the world.
Of course this blog will run as usual and I will try my best to keep you all updated on the birthday shenanigans. I have a lot planned and I am sure that I will learn quite a bit in this beautiful journey that many call home. To be honest I am not sure if two weeks is enough time to really explore this beautiful place but I am sure that I will make use of the time I have to the fullest extent.
I am ready to fly and to enjoy everything this place has to offer. Five more days till my birthday and nine days till my journey begins.
Before my Grandmother passed my neighbors dog was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. For the past two years I have been apart of our neighbors life and I have helped with teaching them about art, I have joined them for some dinners, baseball games, and even taken care of the animals while the family was away on a trip. So I had some time with this wonderful old gal.
Bella was a golden retriever that always had some spunk and sass. Every time I would come over to visit the neighbors she would light up, stand up on her four paws and come greet me. It was almost every single time and I adored her so much. She would follow me around and ask for all kinds of petting and love. If you stopped petting her she would hit her hand with her nose until you continued to pet her. you could just tell that she wanted to be loved as much as possible by those who were around her.
Anytime I would take care of her I would make sure to give her some time outside. I would make sure to let her bath in the sunlight and have some fresh air. After all she was home alone when I wasn't there and she really did love to be outside. Sometimes she would just lay there in the sun and every few minutes she would lift her head and look around and check to make sure you were still there. After all she didn't want to be alone.
Bella was one of the first dogs to really make me feel special. She knew exactly who I was, she was super sweet, and she really did enjoy my company. In the end the diagnosis for the lung cancer was what ended her life. The shots they were giving her weren't doing anything for her and after a week of taking them she ended up not being able to walk on her own. So with that in mind they decided it was best to put her down and not have her suffer anymore. The day before I got to say goodbye. I could tell that she knew her time was coming to an end and even when she couldn't stand, she was still wanting all the love and petting from me. When I stood to leave she lifted her head and her eyes followed me as I hugged my neighbor. Before I left I made sure to let her know I love her and that she was the best dog around. After all she really was the best dog I had met.
Im sure shes over the rainbow bridge and is with all the other dogs who are waiting to be reunited with their owners. For now run free Bella and we will see you on the other side.
My grandmother was a very forgiving person. She was someone who was always letting things go and she really did it out of love for her children. My crazy Aunt had been using this to her advantage for years and even though it drove me and my father mad she seemed to not really want to put her foot down. For her it seemed to be like another day and when something would happen she would make little noise and then she would quiet down. I honestly don’t know how she had so much self-control but I can say that I slightly respected her for it. At the first sign of anybody ripping off money from me or even causing trouble under my roof I would have kicked them out. Not paying rent? You have a week to pack up and go.
But this wasn’t the case for my grandmother. she put up with a lot from my Aunt and she did it in a way that most people would have cracked form. I know I certainly would have.
Of course my grandmother wasn’t just a forgiving person. She was also someone who loved my grandfather so much that she stayed married to him for almost seventy five years. Seventy five. She was always by his side and they were a couple that stayed together as long as possible. My grandfather unfortunately died first and in his last few years my grandmother took care of him. She made sure he got where he needed to go and when he was ready to pass on she made sure he did it how he wanted to. Under his own roof and in his own bed. Luckily he got that. My grandmother almost got the same wish but on her last day it was deemed medically necessary to move her to the hospital so that she was comfortable. To her she died in her house but the rest of us know.
Sadly I did not get to say goodbye to her and I do wish I could have been there. It’s hard enough to know that someone's time is coming but it’s harder when you don’t know exactly. You do all you can and you try to be there as much as possible and sometimes you win and other times you lose. In this situation we lost.
I will say that I am glad that I got to see her months before and to have a conversation with her. I got to talk to her, tell her about what was going on and get her blessing. I even got to tell her about all my plans and saw her light up when I told her I was going to New Zealand. I may not have gotten to say goodbye but at least I did get to spend some time with her and make her smile.
If there is another side I am sure she is with Grandpa now and is as happy as can be to be reunited with him.
See you on the other side
Its weird having someone else’s stuff in your house, let alone have pictures of that person and their past. You go through it, you recognize some things but not all and you just flip through wondering what the story is behind some of the photos and others you just stare at because you remember that exact moment in time and space. For me I think it’s strange because there is a lot of family that I don’t recognize. I know very little about the people that came before me and I didn’t really meet very many of them. To be honest I’m not sure if I will meet any other family and if that is the case I think I will be ok with it.
There are a lot of photos from the 60's and 70's which is kind of fun when I look at everyone’s outfits and hair styles. We were only really just beginning to realize what fashion was and really take a change when it came to what we wore and how our hair was done. I also get to see the family line of cats. There are a lot of them that I never got to know about but there are a few here and there that dad can point out and tell me the stories of. Some of the cats where quite the risk takers and others were just deadly when you played with them. Of course now Dad and I have cats of our own so I guess that’s the one thing that we can keep going in our family. The love for cats.
With this passing and for what is to come I can definitely say that I am glad we got some personal items out of the house and that they are safe and sound at our home. We can have the time to look at everything, to take it all in and to just admire the family that we are a part of. Of course all of this isn’t over. There is quite a bit of stuff to still do but overall, I feel a little happy. We get to keep a part of our history alive and we get to remember those who are now gone.
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