Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. I started out with a good morning, bright and early with some coffee and an omelet with a nice bonus of bacon. Wonderful really since I hardly ever get eight hours of sleep AND wake up in a good mood. So of course everything seems good. I go through the motions of the day. I get ready for work, get in the car and blast some new Imagine Dragons and drive. While I’m driving I realize how hot it is and feel lucky that I have windows to roll down and cool off the inside of my car. On the way I run into a mild traffic jam where all the middle schoolers are. Somehow I had managed to forget that school started back up. Dear lord save us all.
So I get to work and go through the routine of opening the store. Really everything seems fine. Its hot outside, its nice and cold inside and I get to go home in the early afternoon. Not too bad. Then to top it off I had people who were emailing me about purchasing my stuff. A nice way to make someone happy. So of course I share this with a few close workers of mine and we all smile and go around with the joy. Not too long after that I get some strange news. Apparently there had been a "fraud" on my debit card. Remembering that I tried to place on order on an online website that morning I call the number and go through the motions of handling a voice recording. That was the first headache of the day. Once it got settled and cleaned up that mess I then moved onward to the sneezing.
Yes, sneezing. I swear to god it happens too often and it kills my insides. I also look sick when I am not and that makes customers unsure of me. Yet somehow I managed. With that I then got family news that through me for a loop and it got followed by me exploding my inner feelings to my coworkers and by doing that I also released the tension I felt so a few days. My brain was mush just as noon struck and I realized how exhausted I was from the emotions I was feeling. Mostly it was good but there was a few pot holes that came my way.
I then had the fun of explaining some good and bad things that were going on to my manager who was very nice and listened to me while I digressed about the craziness that happened. Really I am very calm but when so much happens in eight hours I get a little overwhelmed and let some bad language loose. Yes I already apologized to him but, hey I couldn’t help it with everything that was happening. I was just glad that he was calm about it and just listened to me.
So, yes there was a lot that happened and it was a long hard day but I made it somehow. Now I am off to see the event of our time. The total eclipse. Where will you be when it happens?
I don’t know what people think of themselves because it’s something that changes as we go through life. We go through hard times and that can teach us more about ourselves. Then we have good days which drive us to achieve more and make us feel like all our hard work is being rewarded. Through my short life I have gone through several stages of what I think about myself. There was a time when I thought that I was going to be with my very first Best Friend for the rest of my life. He was my savior and someone that I cherished deeply. Our entire class thought that we were "together" and even sang the K.I.S.S.I.N.G song and I remember constantly fighting with them. Even then I thought it was dumb that boys and girls couldn’t just be friends.
When he moved away I lost my best friend and my defender. I lost someone who made me feel good about the future and someone who shared a made up world with me. So I went through a weird stage of being a loner and having one best friend at a time. Don’t get me wrong I had a group of friends that I hung out with but there wasn’t much in my middle school life. I went through a hard time with fitting in and I was considered weird. I had a strange sense of style and I even had a time when my hair was all cut off and I looked like a boy. So many stories in that part of my life but, that will be for another time.
After I went through my loner stage I went through a time where I got cocky because of all the attention I got from boys. High school seemed to open doors for new friends and as my past self seems to have predicted, I made friends with mostly guys. I found them to be less drama and for me it was a nice change of pace. My girlfriends were all upset with me in some way and they didn’t see things the same way I did. Eventually I lost my girlfriends and I tried to get in a relationship. For a few years I bounced around and tried my best to make something work out. I hated high school but I wanted to be around some of the people that went there. That’s all I wanted. I wanted friendships that others had. Truthfully high school was a place where I didn’t fit in and because of that I thought of myself as a person who wasnt worth very much. My self esteem dropped to the lowest it could get.
Eventually I experienced true friendship for a bit and when it crashed and burned in my face I went through a time where I was depressed and gained weight. I out casted myself and was out casted without much of a choice. So I transitioned to hanging on to what I had left. From there I went to school less and less and eventually I got to doing just online classes. From there I lost the last two friends I had and became alone. Really the only people I had were those I worked with and they were the people that lifted me up.
Transitioning to a life where I got back in shape, let all the people go and just started taking it day by day really opened up doors for me. It made me more chill and I gained more people that were outside of my school as friends. I gained a second family, coworkers that became my friends and good work experience. I taught myself how to save money and how to travel by myself safely. Every time I venture out I learn something new and go through a new stage of my life that makes me feel calmer and more in tune with how my life is supposed to be. It even made me feel like I was worth the time and space.
As a human you go through a lot of different stages in your life. You lose people, gain people, and learn as you move forward in your life. You may go through some parts where the road is bumpy and uncomfortable but that’s how life is supposed to be. To succeed means running into difficult obstacles. To get over those obstacles you have to find a way to work it out. It may be hard but once you've accomplished that hurdle/bump you move on to the next one.
How you think of yourself and your worth is all up to you. Don't let others decide what you can and can't do. You are the only one who can change your future for better or worse.
I thought I was a pretty terrible child when I was in high school. I really did a number on my dad and caused myself to get in a lot of trouble. Yet there is always someone who goes bigger then I do. See my Dad wasn’t dumb enough to leave me by myself for a few days. He knew that if he left that I would more than likely throw a party. At the stage of my life that I was at when I was sixteen....that would be a yes. I would throw a party and I would make sure to record it for the future. Every detail would be on camera somewhere. You may not see it but it would have existed.
So were talking at my work about partying and parents and then the conversation takes a turn and we get to the subject of two particular people. It came to talking about the girl at this particular point. Now I don’t know much when it comes to boys and what they thought of back in my day but man was I blown away. I won’t go into details because that’s not ok but I can say that I was pretty sure that some of it may have been over exaggerated. Very over exaggerated. Most of the time I kept my mouth shut and just listened and I honestly could care less about most things but it caught my attention and brought back some memories. So with that I want to say this.
Some actions do have consequences and the faster you learn that the better your life may be and the quicker you will learn. You can make a mistake but if you choose to do anything that leads to one then you have to face the effect the comes from your decisions. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows and you will make mistakes. Ones that will make your life a nightmare for a while and will give you trouble until you find a way out. You have to grow and learn or be eaten alive out there in the world we live in. You won’t get everything you want by relying on your parents of the rest of your life.
So enjoy being sixteen while you can because man is adulthood going ot be a kick to your sorry ass.
I remember when I started trying to commit to running all those years ago. I had bought all kinds of running equipment and one of those happened to be the first Garmin Watch that my dad had bought. He was retiring it and since I took up the sport he decided I could have it. It was bulky, ridiculous and it made running a nightmare. I tried so hard to get used to having it on my wrist but I hated the weight that went with it. It was twice the size of my wrist and I never got over that itching feeling that watch gave me. So after a couple of runs with it I gave up on the idea of having a watch. I had such a bad habit of looking at the watch all the time and always saw how slow I was. Because I saw how slow I was and where I was at compared to a mile long run I got frustrated and just threw the sport away.
Now fast forward to 2016 and me sitting and staring at all these different websites. What do they all have in common? Watches. Yes I was looking into purchasing a watch and man was I stumped on what to get. Most watches are made for men's wrists which is insulting and I didn't want to get a fit bit because it wasn't really what I wanted for a watch. if I was going to have a decent watch I wanted it to be waterproof and bluetooth or it wasn't worth anything to me. I wanted to be fun, light and not a hassle to have around my wrist.
What did I end up choosing? The vivoactive from garmin. Turns out that amazon was having a large sale where if I bought the vivoactive then I got $100 off my purchase by the end of the week. So With faith in Garmin being a good brand and trying to make good choices on where my money was going I bought my big adult watch. Now I have never been an watch person. Most of the time I think they are tacky and take up a lot of space but man I wouldn't change my decision for the world. The vivoactive helps keep me in tune with what's going on and even tells me what my text messages say and when i get important emails. It tracks swimming, running, hiking, walking, sleep patterns, I mean it's everything I need on my wrist. It makes my day easier and I got used to having a awkward tan line. I honestly never expected myself to ever have a watch but here I am.
Are you a watch person? If so then what kind of watch do you wear?
Theres something about this subject that makes me kind of upset. Maybe its because of the outcome in most cases or news events we hear about or maybe its just that its terrible on the person who has it. It hurts, it makes you sick, and the chances of survival can go one way or the other. Death or possibility of survival. What is this I am talking about? That would be cancer. Yes, cancer. Recently I had a chat about cancer. It became real when I got the lay down on the situation and I certainly was startled to hear it pop up with this person. The conversation bought back from memories about my childhood. It was really something that made me feel disconnected and I never felt better after a time of healing. Not really.
My experience with cancer is a sad one and one that will stick with me for the rest of my life. See my cousin had cancer and when he had gotten sick I didn't really understand what Cancer meant. So to me it seemed to be something that I could put on the back burner in my brain. Maybe I thought he would get better. Maybe I didn't understand yet what it meant to have something that you or may not survive from? I honestly didn't think he would die.
I really wish I could have talked with him and had a longer conversation. It really hit me hard to loose him and I still think about him to this day. He was a sweet guy and I remember him being so kind to me as a little kid. There are very few pictures out there of my counsin's and I together. It is almost non-existant. Thank goodness that someone had a camera back then to create these memories for us to have.
Four long years he fought, and for almost twelve years I have thought about him but I know that hes in a better place somewhere in the spirit world.
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