In Michigan I met an old friend of my Dad's. She was nice and she seemed a pretty decent human being. Her mind seemed to work in a thousand different ways and when we ended up talking around the campfire all the insecurities about raising her children came out. In truth she was asking us about money, when her kids go out on their own, how she spoils them, etc. I listened and quickly my mind came racing in a thousand different ways. My Dad raised me in an environment where I had to earn everything I wanted in some way. Maybe I had to mow the lawn for six months or put down mulch in the hot Florida sun for a year, whatever it was I worked my ass off to get to the point where I had money to purchase the things I desired. Bigger and more expensive items that I wanted I usually asked for Christmas and 8/10 I got those items. It just depended on the price and how my father felt about me owning those items.
In honesty I grew up with more than any child my age had. I had a TV in my room for a long time and that meant that I also had a pS2 in my room as well. I had access to a computer being in my room and of course there was a time when it was taken from me and put in the front room so my dad could watch me when I was on the computer. I even got things taken away from me and got warned that if I over stepped it that it was going on EBay and I wouldn’t get one back till I was an adult. There were times when the hammer was close to being involved. Yea, I was that bad of a child growing up and as I mentioned in some of my other posts my dad and I fought a LOT. Way more than anything normal but hey, were ok now.
For me to hear this friend of my father’s saying that she spoils her kids was almost worthy of an eye roll. In my experience, especially with the area I live in, spoiled kids meant that they were rude, were always milking their parents for everything they could get, rubbed that ability to be spoiled in other people faces, and didn’t give a damn about what other people said or did for them. Most kids I know that are like that learn the hard way about having a job and what It means to earn your own money. I listened as she went into detail about how one her kids was close to being eighteen and how she wanted her child to go to college and that the money she made for her child was her hard earned money and if they weren’t going then she didn’t want them to just waste the money. It was hers after all. Immediately the hairs on the back of my head stood up. I get that you’re an adult and that you made a decision to work your ass off to make that money so that your kids can go to college. I get that she is unsure about how she feels about them having free rain over so much money. It all makes sense but here’s the thing. If you make a decision to have a child you have to be ready for the possibility of your children not wanting to go to college. You have to be willing to let them make their own decisions and to take those actions in stride. If you coddle and give them everything they want all the time and help them every time they ask for help....well eventually they will rely on you for everything and milk you until you can’t provide for them anymore. Then the fighting, disagreeing, and chaos happens.
Sure that sounds like a lot of money and you worked so hard to provide for the best education but you can’t force a human being to go a certain direction. Everyone makes decisions and good or bad they have to face those consequences. That’s how you become an adult. You make decisions and you face them head on. If you fail and become broke, well now you know what not to do next time you get that money. If you become successful and you get more money or can keep your accounts stable then good for you, you did it just right. In honesty I felt very off the charts about what I wanted to really say and it was hard to put it in words where she wouldn’t be offended. If my dad told me I had to go to college to get that money that is in my name then I would tell him that it’s not what I want and that I wasn’t going to waste my money on something I didn’t want to spend it on. I told her that if it came to that, that I would immediately be upset and tell my dad to go to hell in some way. It has MY name on it and it’s my money, not his to spend around on anything he feels like. I then told her that if she wanted her children to be successful and not milk her for everything they wanted to do and keep coming back to her all the time then she needed to learn that once they turn eighteen that she had to learn to say no sometimes. Her argument was "well sometimes as a parent it’s hard to say no" and yes that’s true but if you don’t say no then they will never learn. They will never progress. If you coddle your children too much then you risk them being with you and under your roof sapping away your money for the rest of your life. You face a chance where nothing moves onward and both of you can’t do what you want to do with your years that you have ahead of you.
Luckily she took it in stride and I understand that she’s worried for her kid’s future but, sometimes you have to teach yourself the hard things about life. It may suck but all of us have to go through that stage of letting go. They are still your children and how you raise them tells you how successful they will be. Being human is about growing not shrinking. Let them learn, let them go, it will be ok. You can’t stop fate from doing what it wants to do. Just hope that you made them into a decent person hat society can accept them. One way or another life will find its way to them.
